Read kelpie dreams by Steve Vernon Online


Meet Lady Macbeth—a high school librarian, ex-assassin, and part-time kelpie, whose mother wanted to name her Hemorrhoid at birth. Now she has to take on a Sea Hag—eight legs of Godzilla-ugly poured into a bucket full of meanness—with the help of a one-woman army named Rhonda, a 200-year-old Sea Captain, and a hunky lighthouse keeper who won't admit that he's dead as well.Meet Lady Macbeth—a high school librarian, ex-assassin, and part-time kelpie, whose mother wanted to name her Hemorrhoid at birth. Now she has to take on a Sea Hag—eight legs of Godzilla-ugly poured into a bucket full of meanness—with the help of a one-woman army named Rhonda, a 200-year-old Sea Captain, and a hunky lighthouse keeper who won't admit that he's dead as well. KELPIE DREAMS is a funny, action-packed, paranormal romance novel for folks who HATE to read romance novels....

Title : kelpie dreams
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 29996529
Format Type : Kindle Edition
Number of Pages : 238 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

kelpie dreams Reviews

  • Montzalee Wittmann
    2019-04-02 23:47

    Kelpie Dreams by Steve Vernon is a kindle scout book and I wish I could say I enjoyed it. There was a lot of trying to be funny but first there needs to be a strong backbone of the basics such a plot, characters, world building which this did not have.

  • Steve Vernon
    2019-03-25 04:43

    I'm not going to rate this novel, because I wrote the darned thing.But I will say that my cat liked it.My cat really liked it a lot.I sold some copies. I bought some cat food.What more can I tell you?

  • Irene
    2019-04-03 21:27

    This is probably one of the strangest stories I have ever read. It is weird, bizarre and utterly hilarious.Lady Cordelia Macbeth who would rather be called Dee, is mourning the loss of her son Hamilton. Hamilton you see had gone for a joyride in a stolen/borrowed vehicle and was killed quicker than you can say gesundheit!She is so grief stricken that she contemplates suicide and throws herself into the ocean. Of course I realize that is not hilarious at all but luckily there was a pissed off octopus woman at the bottom of the ocean who was able to give Dee the ability to breathe underwater until the mossy brown and green mud horse showed up to take her back to the surface. Not that either of these occurrences were the most shocking things she saw under the ocean but I wouldn't want to give away too much. Now Dee was not too keen on telling anyone about these escapades, however when the mud horse showed up at her best friend Rhonda's house it kind of spilled the beans. I will leave you here, because if I told you more you wouldn't believe me anyway. It is probably best that you discover these quirky characters for yourself. I was up all night reading this story. I received an advance copy of this book through the kindle scout program and was under no obligation to review it.

  • The Behrg
    2019-04-21 00:19

    "'Some people just never seem to let themselves be happy ... It's like they fight against their own contentment.'"Well, let me tell you folks, author Steve Vernon is NOT one of these people.(That quote btw was from an underwater sea hag ... interested yet?)Kelpie Dreams is a mad dash through a fantastical world where nothing is quite what it seems (including our heroine, "Lady MacBeth"). About loss, love, and (mis)adventures, it reminded me of a modern Alice and Wonderland in it's quizzical and whimsical style. I honestly can't remember the last time I've laughed out loud this much with a novel. From the quirky dialogue to the unique characters and setting, there's a lot here to enjoy, and I can only imagine how much fun Vernon had constructing this novel. Yet when you strip back the oddball humor and bizarre encounters, there's still a story with surprising depth that goes far beyond its entertainment factor. I did feel the characters fell into too similar of a speaking pattern with the back-and-forth, quick-witted banter, but if you're looking for something that's completely unlike anything you've read, you don't have to look much further. A definite lighthearted and fun read that's worth checking out."Jazz hands, Mom, big-time jazz hands."

  • Alyson Larrabee
    2019-04-18 23:17

    Author Steve Vernon had me at Lady Macbeth. She’s one of my favorite characters in my favorite Shakespearean play. I’m glad the priest talked her mother out of naming her Hemorrhoid; otherwise I wouldn’t have felt so enchanted from the beginning. I might not have warmed up to her until after the first couple of chapters. The dialogue and narrative of Kelpie Dreams is dense with psychedelic, surrealistic description. The characters are all over-the-top bizarre. If Hieronymus Bosch and Salvador Dali wrote a fantasy novel, this might be it. Even the creatures are stranger than the usual fantasy cast of characters: a sea witch, a kelpie, a couple of dead guys who appear to be alive and some other dead people who’re being kept in lobster pot style cages at the bottom of the ocean. One of the dead guys who appears to be alive is either a good kisser or good at mouth-to-mouth. It’s up for interpretation. Open to page one and dive into Vernon’s trippy dream-world.

  • Stephanie Jane (Literary Flits)
    2019-04-17 00:23

    Kelpie Dreams is the second book I successfully nominated for publication via the KindleScout programme and I received a copy from the publisher in return for my vote. I would like to thank Lee Ness (author of Deus Ex Machina) for his timely tweet alerting me to Kelpie Dreams' campaign. Kelpie Dreams is due to be published on the 10th May 2016.Set on the Nova Scotia coast, this novel begins with the unkindly named Lady Cordelia Macbeth, known as Dee, grieving the death of her son Hamilton in a car accident. Crashing as the result of unfortunate circumstances, he plunged into the ocean and she has visited the spot in order to place a white cross on the beach. This is quite an emotional scene and a dark place to start what turns into an exceedingly bizarre and humorous novel. Dee finds herself underwater fighting with a giant octopus sea hag, falling in love with a two hundred year old horse and throwing sticks for a giant purple dog. Vernon's imagination is fantastic in both senses of the word!I liked the detailed descriptions of scenes and creatures which made it easy for me to vividly see into Vernon's world. I was less impressed with his characters as I didn't think the people were as strongly individualised as they needed to be in order to be convincing. This is mostly down to their long-winded sections of unrealistic dialogue which, initially, is entertaining, but quickly becomes tired and overdone. All our main characters seem to speak in the same voice and these pages drastically slow the novel's otherwise exciting pace. I enjoyed the mad plot twists and inventive storyline, but think some extensive pruning is needed to make Kelpie Dreams as thrilling as it could be.See more of my book reviews on my blog Stephanie Jane

  • Brigitta Moon
    2019-04-18 03:33

    Entertainingly Wired and Different From the beginning, I knew I would enjoy this novel. I was not sure what to expect after reading that a mother wanted to name her child Hemorrhoid. I kept reading and chuckling. I still was not quite sure what was happening. As I continued to read I began to realize that what I was experiencing was not a novel with everyday understandable events. It is an entertaining book that demonstrates the author's imagination. I enjoyed the characters. They were a hoot and a lot of fun. Every time I thought the author was done surprising me, he threw in another. I definitely recommend this book.

  • MaryAnn Edwards
    2019-04-08 04:17

    TeflectionToo cute for words. It was enjoyable reading even thou I wanted several times to chuck it in. Like I said it WS a cute storyline and well written. Even the way he said fantastic recalls.

  • Kip Yarbrough
    2019-04-07 00:45

    I won a copy from Kindle Scout. Funny writing and interesting, but after a while it just gets boring. I think these types of books just aren't for everyone. Clever writing nonetheless

  • Pat Cummings
    2019-04-15 03:17

    This novel came to me for free as a Kindle Scout publication. It had a HOT label on it from the first, and I understood why when I read the concept: a paranormal romance novel (kelpie librarian, 200-year-old sea captain, zombie lighthouse keeper, sea hag villain) for folks who HATE to read romance novels. That's me! I thought, and nominated it. (Besides, I had nominated Vernon's A Blurt In Time, bought it when it was not moninated, and enjoyed it a little. Surely I would enjoy this one a bit more?)I barely read the excerpt, I was so taken with the concept. If I had, I would have noticed the blaring asides, the all-caps shouts. (And paragraphs of hyphenated stuff, breaking oddly due to my font-size setting—I should have remembered them from Blurt.) I was never allowed to simply become absorbed in the tale, but was constantly dragged from my observer's post to get involved in the action. Perhaps it would have been less annoying if the asides and comments weren't so crude and gauche. OK, there's a bit of a snicker in someone's mother wanting to name her Hemorrhoid. But:Can you actually imagine spending your entire lifetime constantly spell-checking your own name? Go ahead—just try to close your eyes and spell out H-E-M-O-R-R-H-O-I-D without having to resort to a discrete peek at a medical dictionary. I dare you.If that was the only such, I might have forgiven the writer and moved on. But there is scarely a page with a similar observation, blatantly breaking the fourth wall to drag me, the reader, into the character's head. I don't come to discover the main character's motivation, I am drenched in it:My son had died picking his nose in a stolen neon yellow Audi. Try and think about that, if you will. Let the thought crust and dry, and let it stick to your mind’s finger like a hard and completely unflickable booger of undeniable truth. I had always thought that the word irony was the opposite of wrinkly, but if this wasn’t ironic, I don’t know what else it could be.OK, I'm not with it. I don't get it. Except occasionally, I do, and I resent even more every annoying break-wall aside that came before when I come upon something really cool and evocative:I stared right back. I was not going to give the man a single inch of leniency. I mentally tried to evoke a psychic soundtrack of all of the Ennio Morricone background music from all three of Clint Eastwood’s Man with No Name westerns. Ooeeooeeoo . . . wah-wah-wah. Ooeeooeeoo . . . wah-wah-wah.Eventually, having battled nearly half-way through the up-and-down narrative, I quietly closed the book and abandoned the effort. That was mid-May. I told myself, Steve Vernon shouldn't have to suffer a bad review because of my inability to get past his brittle-wall syndrome. It wasn't until I read Matthew Templeton and the Enchanted Journal that I realized breaking the wall doesn't have to throw the whole labor onto the reader.Vernon has a readership, and my comments will come late in the stream, easily ignored by them. But this is one time I'm really glad I didn't pay for a book.

    2019-04-18 04:44

    StrangeThis book is really well written and the story kept my interest . Unfortunately I have a very odd sense of humour and I just didn't get this book. Someone else would probably find it really funny but my odd humour couldn't see it. Thank you so much for letting me read it

  • Betweenthesecoversblog
    2019-03-30 02:38

    This has got to be one of the strangest, quirkiest books I’ve read all year. The story of Lady Cordelia Macbeth (who prefers to be called Dee) kicks off three weeks after her son, Hamilton, had stolen a neon yellow Audi and veered it off a cliff into the Atlantic where he’d met his untimely demise. Stricken with grief, Dee heads off to that very same cliff in order to erect a seaside memorial cross in honour of her dead son right before she, herself, ends her existence in the very same watery grave as Hamilton had. Things don’t go as planned, and mid-suicide, Dee has a change of heart. This is where the trouble all starts and Dee finds herself face-to-face with an ugly-as-sin sea hag who she’s now managed to piss off immeasurably and has had to be rescued by a muddy sea-horse: An actual horse in the actual sea; but not be before she catches a glimpse of her dead son being held captive in a cage by the evil sea-hag.Filled with nerdy pop-culture references and witty banter, Kelpie Dreams is a clever, comedic, fun-filled tale of an ex-assassin, high school librarian and her best friend, Rhonda, (a lesbian, assassin-for-hire) who team up with a ghost sea captain in order to defeat an 8 legged sea-bitch and save her sometimes-man, sometimes-horse, 200 year old, maybe-ghost, almost boyfriend, Angus. I especially enjoyed the clever, flirty repartee between Dee and Angus, and I loved Rhonda, she’s most likely my favourite character in the book. Kelpie Dreams is set in Canada, steeped in Scottish mythology and is an all-round quirky read. If you’re in search of comic-relief, this one’s for you.

  • Jacky
    2019-04-03 22:20

    So this was my first experiment in scouting for Kindle Scout. I didn’t even realize at the time when I voted for the thing I’d get a free book out of the deal, but then one day I opened my email and Amazon told me I had a free book to download. I like that. But honestly I would totally be willing to buy this book.I was originally going to try and post this before it was released to the public on May 10th but then drama and hey, at least I’m still doing it. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I opened this, but more sass than you can shake your homemade picket-cross at was not it. Kelpie Dreams follows high school librarian and former hit woman, Lady Dee” Cordelia Macbeth, as she deals with the grief from her son’s booger induced death. Unable to cope, Dee goes to where her son died, to plant a homemade pick across and I kill herself. Drowning in the ocean didn’t go nearly as well she planned. Instead of drowning, Dee finds and battles a local sea hag, and meets a muddy horse. With the help of her best friend, a lesbian, professional hit woman named Rhonda, Dee tries to figure out just what is going on, and why during the undersea battle she grew a tail.There’s a little bit for almost everyone in this book, so long as you enjoy sass and somewhat crude humor. You’ll find lesbian flirtation, characters long dead, not-so-subtle romantic interests with not so human backgrounds. Plenty of action, plenty of guns. There is even plenty of jazz hands, just in case that was what you’re looking for.I give this book a solid five out of five stolen/borrowed neon yellow Audis.

  • Darlene Foster
    2019-04-05 23:31

    This is a laugh-out-loud, hilarious, wickedly funny book, written with that unique east coast Canadian sense of humour. Steve Vernon has created characters so off-the-wall they are believable. Like how could you not love a Star Trek loving librarian, a tough lesbian hit woman, an eight-legged sea hag, a weird little chain-smoking fisherman and a two-hundred-year-old​ dead hunk who is sometimes a horse?Lady Cordelia Macbeth is grieving the loss of her eighteen-year-old son, Hamilton, which normally wouldn’t be that funny. She tries to drown herself, and that’s when things go crazy. The writing is great and the action keeps you on your toes as you wonder what bizarre thing will happen next. But the best part is the dialogue. I giggled when Cordelia said, “Yes, boys and girls, today’s near death experience was brought to you by the number eight and the letters WTF!” or “I could not find the proper key for any song if I were a locksmith.”Amongst all that funny stuff, there are some gems of wisdom like, “I learned a long time ago that it was better to laugh about something that you cannot do anything about, rather than breaking down and crying.” And, “There is nothing more powerful than the power that lies beneath faith, hope and dreams.” Mr. Vernon certainly has a way with words and I was very happy to learn that he is planning more books in the series. If you need a good laugh, and we all do from time to time, pick up a copy of this book.

  • Lisa Cleveland
    2019-04-06 03:45

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....Steve Vernon is a storytellers, storyteller. Tall tales, short tales, absolutely wackadoodle tales, Steve is the man. This was one of his more zany, and hilarious "at times" stories. Steve is "although close to my age" very much like a grandpa, whose stories were always given with a nod and a wink at the end! He is someone I would love to sit around the campfire with, and listen to him tell tales of yore. Most important of all is that I usually start something of his thinking, oh, I'll just read a chapter or two, and before I know it I'm caught up in its spell! To say that yes, I would recommend this story and author is an understatement. If you aren't reading Steve Vernon, then you really are missing out. Also, I was given a free copy of this book because I nominated it on Kindle Scout, and it was selected.

  • Jada Ryker
    2019-04-06 21:43

    The Kiss of LifeLady MacBeth leaps headlong into adventure when she clambers onto a moss horse. As church bells toll, he flies down the road faster than a teenager’s souped-up Ford.She has her friend Rhonda, who calls her Lady Dee, a REALLY old captain, and the Dewey Decimal System on her side. Angus, the stranger who kissed her back to consciousness, is the unknown. Can she prevail against the sea hag, who has already taken precious pieces of her heart from Lady MacBeth?Action, adventure, mythology, and a quirky heroine make Kelpie Dreams a wonderful read.

  • Lilmissmolly
    2019-04-17 22:34

    I'm not quite sure what to make of Kelpie Dreams. It's part action adventure and part pop-culture fantasy, borrowing a few plot points from the Little Mermaid. I appreciated the mythology parts of the story, and the heroine was a bit odd. Once I got into the story I found it humorous and laughed out loud a few times. The ending is a bit open-ended, so I expect that there might be another story to look forward to. I received this e-book as part of the Kindle Scout program.

  • Mary Archibald
    2019-04-22 01:24

    Hoping there is a sequel! This story entertains the same way a Pixar film does. Vivid.

  • Davinia
    2019-04-03 02:33

    While this book was hilariously written, It's too damn confusing to earn the forth star. Also, I would have liked a less open ending more.

  • Ruth
    2019-03-26 02:46

    Weird and wacky. Totally off the wall and funny. I enjoyed reading this book and didn't guess the ending. Silly typos and editorial mistakes screamed out at me. Otherwise a great read.

  • Brian Davis
    2019-04-12 22:19

    CleverVery witty dialog and an intriguing plot, and the characters have some depth. It has all the right ingredients to make a good read, and it is one.

  • Dillyknitter
    2019-04-16 01:41

    I found myself skimming through this one. The story was interesting, but there was too much "witty banter". I didn't finish it. I may go back and try it again at a later date.